I was rereading my last post about snow days and eating. Eating for no particular reason. This post is similar, but different. It's about dealing with feelings.
The last few days I have been sad. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what it was I was feeling until I talked with my therapist today, but it is sadness. Not depression. That's different. This is more circumstantial. I don't really want to go into specific details, but to say that there are several people I love who are having a difficult time for various reasons. Some are health issues, one is worry about a child, and some are concerns that people I love are not taking care of themselves to the point that it could be detrimental. There is not a lot I can do but be available to these loved ones. In my past, I have dealt with feels by eating. Mostly foods that are not good for me, like things high in sugar and fat or large amounts of carbs. These are foods that I had thought gave me some comfort. Usually, though, I would end up feeling stuffed and sluggish, then go to bed and hide. I would wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep, plus feel guilty for doing this kind of eating. I was not comforted at all.
The last couple of months I have pushed the envelope and have been eating things that were off limits in my past year of weight loss. Bread and potatoes have found their way back into my diet, plus the occasional sweets, like cookies. I don't need these foods, but they taste good and I feel like I deserve to have some things that have been off limits. That word "deserve" really makes no sense. Because I have lost a lot of weight, my reward should not be something that will sabotage what I have worked so hard to obtain. I feel better physically and even emotionally when I get a lot of protein. Protein fills me up and I don't feel hungry. Besides that, when I eat healthy, I don't feel a lot of that nagging hunger feeling. I feel satisfied. I don't need these specific foods that I know are not good for me. So far, I have not gained any weight. I'm weighing more often because I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me and I'll start to gain. Even not gaining, gives me a false sense that I'm getting away with something. Good grief. Why would I complicate things by eating things that I know will eventually do me harm? I know how to eat, correctly.
Just the other day, I bought a cherry fruit pie. Not an entire pie, but a single serving pie. I used to love these. Heat it up in the microwave and even sometimes add ice cream. Yummy, right? I thought these made me feel better if I was battling some kind of problem. I did heat it up, but I didn't add ice cream. I have learned that dairy products give me a stomach ache and diarrhea. So, I'm doing good, right? Wrong. Before I could finish, my heart starting racing like I had a huge caffeine rush. It's not a good feeling. I felt nervous, then nauseated. I couldn't wait for these symptoms to go away. I'll never do that again, I declared. But, it's amazing how quickly I forget how severe these symptoms make me feel. I kept trying to drink milk or eat ice cream thinking something would change, more times then I like to admit. Finally, I had to admit that I had to stop trying to eat or drink something that obviously was going to make me sick.
My new, slimmer body is just that....new. I could so easily fall back into old eating habits and gain all that weight back. I do fear this happening. Fortunately, my body tells me what foods are good for me and what are not so good. I just need to be aware and listen to how what I eat makes me feel physically. The surgeon's office has a mantra that says that the surgery is a tool, not a fix. You, the patient, has to do the work to be successful. "True dat", as my friend, Edel, says. (She tries hard to be cool, which makes me laugh.) In normal words, that is so true. I have to be the one to do the work. Be aware and listen to my own body. How simple is that? It should be.
Sometimes, naming the emotion I am feeling makes me feel better. (That statement sounds like someone who has been in therapy for a gazillion years, like me) Some circumstances in my life are sad, right now. There is the possibility that I will be facing some losses in my life before too long. This is sad. But, it doesn't mean I should do things to undo what good I have done for my own health and well being. If anything, I need to make sure I am taking good care of myself.
Thanks for listening I'm going to get back on track and stop eating these foods that are not good for me. I'm not getting away with anything, just because I not gaining weight.....yet. I hope this post will be helpful for some of you. Life is hard, even on a good day.
Until next time,
woof, or snore from Phoebe (she is sleeping beside me while I type), meow x 2 from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo for me.
