As of a couple of weeks ago, I met my weight loss goal. I weigh 160 pounds. That's 180 pounds gone. Amazing, even to me. I knew I could do it, but there were doubts along the way. It reminds me of my goal of becoming a registered nurse. I wanted it so badly, but in the back of my mind, I had thoughts that I wasn't smart enough to get through school. It had been such a long time since I'd been a student, and even then I was only an average student. I realize now, that it wasn't that I didn't have it in me to be a good student, but, that I had so much going on at home that it distracted me from becoming all that I could be. That's not an excuse. It's just a fact. When I decided to go to college, my goal was to do my very best. I still had distractions, but now I was an adult and could make my own decisions as to what was best for me. Nursing school was hard, but I got through and graduated. I did my best, passed my boards and have been a RN for 27 years.
Back to more recent goals that were met. I know that I cannot rest on my laurels. I have relaxed some about my eating habits, but not without paying for it. If I thing that I can eat a larger amount, I am miserable. It's more that feeling overly full, knowing that you ate too much. It's actually a sick feeling. Sometimes nauseating, but more often to the point where I have to lie down until that awful feeling passes. I cannot breathe well, and it is almost a hurt feeling. I cannot function until it goes away. I have had bad choices and ate foods that are not good for me. I don't always get physically sick, but I know that I compromising my goals of healthy eating. Those choices can lead to weight gain. My weight has fluctuated between 160 to 165 pounds, but not beyond that. I can see how easily it is to put the pounds back on. Too easy - and that's only making the choice to have a few cookies or chips. I think that little bit can't possibly hurt. The problem is, that it doesn't stop there. I start with a few cookies, etc. and continue to push my boundaries. This is a life long journey. I will always have to watch what I eat and stay active. That goal to get to 160 pounds was a big goal, but it's only a number on the scale. What is important is that I continue to make healthy choices in my eating. It doesn't mean that I can't have a cookie or a food treat once in a while, but that I know when to stop.
I had someone who I respect, just recently tell me that she wasn't sure I could accomplish this much of a weight loss. She is pleased and proud of me, but she was realistic enough to have doubts I would make it this far. At first, it hurt my feelings. I thought she had no faith in my abilities to get it done. One of my biggest hurdles has been in the belief that everything is black or white. There is no give and take. The fact is that she knew that I had the ability to stick to my goals. And, after all, I had the same doubts. There were and are bad days, where I want to eat everything in sight. But, the difference is I can make those important choices. I can also stop and consider the consequences of those choices that are not good for me. I have learned that lesson along the way, and it hasn't always been related to food. All of life is a matter of choice and it's consequences.
And so, it continues. My life and my decisions to stay healthy. To maintain my weight loss. To be a kind and loving person. To not make snap judgments about people. To be open to new possibilities.
Those are all tough goals that we all deal with every day. I know that I need support. We all do. Let's continue to get on with living together. I'm in. Are you with me?
This is not the end. Until then,
Woof from Phoebe, meows x 2 from H&H, and xoxo from the ever changing, Bonnie
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Feelings and inappropriate eating
I was rereading my last post about snow days and eating. Eating for no particular reason. This post is similar, but different. It's about dealing with feelings.
The last few days I have been sad. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what it was I was feeling until I talked with my therapist today, but it is sadness. Not depression. That's different. This is more circumstantial. I don't really want to go into specific details, but to say that there are several people I love who are having a difficult time for various reasons. Some are health issues, one is worry about a child, and some are concerns that people I love are not taking care of themselves to the point that it could be detrimental. There is not a lot I can do but be available to these loved ones. In my past, I have dealt with feels by eating. Mostly foods that are not good for me, like things high in sugar and fat or large amounts of carbs. These are foods that I had thought gave me some comfort. Usually, though, I would end up feeling stuffed and sluggish, then go to bed and hide. I would wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep, plus feel guilty for doing this kind of eating. I was not comforted at all.
The last couple of months I have pushed the envelope and have been eating things that were off limits in my past year of weight loss. Bread and potatoes have found their way back into my diet, plus the occasional sweets, like cookies. I don't need these foods, but they taste good and I feel like I deserve to have some things that have been off limits. That word "deserve" really makes no sense. Because I have lost a lot of weight, my reward should not be something that will sabotage what I have worked so hard to obtain. I feel better physically and even emotionally when I get a lot of protein. Protein fills me up and I don't feel hungry. Besides that, when I eat healthy, I don't feel a lot of that nagging hunger feeling. I feel satisfied. I don't need these specific foods that I know are not good for me. So far, I have not gained any weight. I'm weighing more often because I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me and I'll start to gain. Even not gaining, gives me a false sense that I'm getting away with something. Good grief. Why would I complicate things by eating things that I know will eventually do me harm? I know how to eat, correctly.
Just the other day, I bought a cherry fruit pie. Not an entire pie, but a single serving pie. I used to love these. Heat it up in the microwave and even sometimes add ice cream. Yummy, right? I thought these made me feel better if I was battling some kind of problem. I did heat it up, but I didn't add ice cream. I have learned that dairy products give me a stomach ache and diarrhea. So, I'm doing good, right? Wrong. Before I could finish, my heart starting racing like I had a huge caffeine rush. It's not a good feeling. I felt nervous, then nauseated. I couldn't wait for these symptoms to go away. I'll never do that again, I declared. But, it's amazing how quickly I forget how severe these symptoms make me feel. I kept trying to drink milk or eat ice cream thinking something would change, more times then I like to admit. Finally, I had to admit that I had to stop trying to eat or drink something that obviously was going to make me sick.
My new, slimmer body is just that....new. I could so easily fall back into old eating habits and gain all that weight back. I do fear this happening. Fortunately, my body tells me what foods are good for me and what are not so good. I just need to be aware and listen to how what I eat makes me feel physically. The surgeon's office has a mantra that says that the surgery is a tool, not a fix. You, the patient, has to do the work to be successful. "True dat", as my friend, Edel, says. (She tries hard to be cool, which makes me laugh.) In normal words, that is so true. I have to be the one to do the work. Be aware and listen to my own body. How simple is that? It should be.
Sometimes, naming the emotion I am feeling makes me feel better. (That statement sounds like someone who has been in therapy for a gazillion years, like me) Some circumstances in my life are sad, right now. There is the possibility that I will be facing some losses in my life before too long. This is sad. But, it doesn't mean I should do things to undo what good I have done for my own health and well being. If anything, I need to make sure I am taking good care of myself.
Thanks for listening I'm going to get back on track and stop eating these foods that are not good for me. I'm not getting away with anything, just because I not gaining weight.....yet. I hope this post will be helpful for some of you. Life is hard, even on a good day.
Until next time,
woof, or snore from Phoebe (she is sleeping beside me while I type), meow x 2 from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo for me.
The last few days I have been sad. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure what it was I was feeling until I talked with my therapist today, but it is sadness. Not depression. That's different. This is more circumstantial. I don't really want to go into specific details, but to say that there are several people I love who are having a difficult time for various reasons. Some are health issues, one is worry about a child, and some are concerns that people I love are not taking care of themselves to the point that it could be detrimental. There is not a lot I can do but be available to these loved ones. In my past, I have dealt with feels by eating. Mostly foods that are not good for me, like things high in sugar and fat or large amounts of carbs. These are foods that I had thought gave me some comfort. Usually, though, I would end up feeling stuffed and sluggish, then go to bed and hide. I would wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep, plus feel guilty for doing this kind of eating. I was not comforted at all.
The last couple of months I have pushed the envelope and have been eating things that were off limits in my past year of weight loss. Bread and potatoes have found their way back into my diet, plus the occasional sweets, like cookies. I don't need these foods, but they taste good and I feel like I deserve to have some things that have been off limits. That word "deserve" really makes no sense. Because I have lost a lot of weight, my reward should not be something that will sabotage what I have worked so hard to obtain. I feel better physically and even emotionally when I get a lot of protein. Protein fills me up and I don't feel hungry. Besides that, when I eat healthy, I don't feel a lot of that nagging hunger feeling. I feel satisfied. I don't need these specific foods that I know are not good for me. So far, I have not gained any weight. I'm weighing more often because I'm afraid it's going to catch up with me and I'll start to gain. Even not gaining, gives me a false sense that I'm getting away with something. Good grief. Why would I complicate things by eating things that I know will eventually do me harm? I know how to eat, correctly.
Just the other day, I bought a cherry fruit pie. Not an entire pie, but a single serving pie. I used to love these. Heat it up in the microwave and even sometimes add ice cream. Yummy, right? I thought these made me feel better if I was battling some kind of problem. I did heat it up, but I didn't add ice cream. I have learned that dairy products give me a stomach ache and diarrhea. So, I'm doing good, right? Wrong. Before I could finish, my heart starting racing like I had a huge caffeine rush. It's not a good feeling. I felt nervous, then nauseated. I couldn't wait for these symptoms to go away. I'll never do that again, I declared. But, it's amazing how quickly I forget how severe these symptoms make me feel. I kept trying to drink milk or eat ice cream thinking something would change, more times then I like to admit. Finally, I had to admit that I had to stop trying to eat or drink something that obviously was going to make me sick.
My new, slimmer body is just that....new. I could so easily fall back into old eating habits and gain all that weight back. I do fear this happening. Fortunately, my body tells me what foods are good for me and what are not so good. I just need to be aware and listen to how what I eat makes me feel physically. The surgeon's office has a mantra that says that the surgery is a tool, not a fix. You, the patient, has to do the work to be successful. "True dat", as my friend, Edel, says. (She tries hard to be cool, which makes me laugh.) In normal words, that is so true. I have to be the one to do the work. Be aware and listen to my own body. How simple is that? It should be.
Sometimes, naming the emotion I am feeling makes me feel better. (That statement sounds like someone who has been in therapy for a gazillion years, like me) Some circumstances in my life are sad, right now. There is the possibility that I will be facing some losses in my life before too long. This is sad. But, it doesn't mean I should do things to undo what good I have done for my own health and well being. If anything, I need to make sure I am taking good care of myself.
Thanks for listening I'm going to get back on track and stop eating these foods that are not good for me. I'm not getting away with anything, just because I not gaining weight.....yet. I hope this post will be helpful for some of you. Life is hard, even on a good day.
Until next time,
woof, or snore from Phoebe (she is sleeping beside me while I type), meow x 2 from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo for me.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
The Hazards of Snow Days
If you live in the south, which I think most of reader do, you know that snow days where you are stuck in the house happen rarely. Even when it snows here in the mountains, usually you can get out later in the day when they salt the roads, and the sun shines and melts some of the snow. Today was different though. It never got out of the 20's so the snow and ice stayed put. I was not feeling adventurous, so I've been in the house all day. I haven't been bored, not really. I cleaned up a sink full of dishes from where I made soup yesterday. I read a book. I watched old reruns on television while doing word puzzles. I took a nap. My stomach has been rather sensitive from a bowel prep for a colonoscopy that I didn't get to go to because of the snow. I haven't been eating much, but drinking a lot of water today. After all that said, I just went looking for something to eat. I'm was not even, really hungry. I just want to eat. Now, I have plenty of healthy food in my house that I could eat. I have vegetable soup that I made yesterday. But, what do I go looking for? A bag of dark chocolate chips and nuts that I had left over from making Christmas goodies. I thought that sounded so good and after all, I deserve something good to eat because I've been stuck in the house all day. I ate a couple of hand fulls and they were good, but not as good as I thought. Plus, now, I don't feel well.
So, why did I decided to eat this way? It would have been just as easy to prepare something good for me. In fact, all I had to do was heat up soup that was already made. Why did I think that I deserved something not so healthy because I'd been in the house all day? And, to choose something that I knew would not sit well with me on my already sensitive stomach.
First of all, using food to make me feel better, or a reward for something I think I deserve is a bad habit. I fight this urge all the time, but usually I can think about how physically it will make me feel and that usually is a good deterrent. Plus, I don't feel good about myself after eating when I'm not even hungry, but just feel like I want to be rewarded with food. Also, I don't need to have food that is not good for me, like peanuts and dark chocolate, among other things, in my pantry. I need to give them to somebody who eats sweets. It's not the worse thing I could have eaten. In fact, I try and think that anything in moderation is ok to eat. But, eating it just for the sake of eating is not a good thing. Really, now, when do I NEED chocolate and peanuts?
Certainly, I didn't do irreparable damage. But, it's a good time to stop and think why I would eat something that I know will not have good results. I don't tolerate sugar well.
Maybe somebody out there deals with boredom eating or rewarding yourself with food. I hope you can learn, or at least be reminded that it's not necessary or even good for you to eat for anything for hunger.
I have lost 5 more pounds, and that was before the colon prep. I'm 15 pounds from my goal weight. I don't want to sabotage myself and start gaining weight back because of old habits. I'm going to learn from this. I feel better already.
Until next time,
woof from the snow and cold hating dog, Phoebe, meow x 2 from the lazy, nap experts, Hannah and Houdini, and xoxo for me.
So, why did I decided to eat this way? It would have been just as easy to prepare something good for me. In fact, all I had to do was heat up soup that was already made. Why did I think that I deserved something not so healthy because I'd been in the house all day? And, to choose something that I knew would not sit well with me on my already sensitive stomach.
First of all, using food to make me feel better, or a reward for something I think I deserve is a bad habit. I fight this urge all the time, but usually I can think about how physically it will make me feel and that usually is a good deterrent. Plus, I don't feel good about myself after eating when I'm not even hungry, but just feel like I want to be rewarded with food. Also, I don't need to have food that is not good for me, like peanuts and dark chocolate, among other things, in my pantry. I need to give them to somebody who eats sweets. It's not the worse thing I could have eaten. In fact, I try and think that anything in moderation is ok to eat. But, eating it just for the sake of eating is not a good thing. Really, now, when do I NEED chocolate and peanuts?
Certainly, I didn't do irreparable damage. But, it's a good time to stop and think why I would eat something that I know will not have good results. I don't tolerate sugar well.
Maybe somebody out there deals with boredom eating or rewarding yourself with food. I hope you can learn, or at least be reminded that it's not necessary or even good for you to eat for anything for hunger.
I have lost 5 more pounds, and that was before the colon prep. I'm 15 pounds from my goal weight. I don't want to sabotage myself and start gaining weight back because of old habits. I'm going to learn from this. I feel better already.
Until next time,
woof from the snow and cold hating dog, Phoebe, meow x 2 from the lazy, nap experts, Hannah and Houdini, and xoxo for me.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Happy New Year, 2014
Once, again, I have to say that it's been too long since my last post. That was back in early November, and while not has happened weight wise, it has been a busy holiday season. I've lost another 8 pounds since then, which makes a total of 160 pounds gone. While I could be happy where I am, I would like to lose another 20 pounds. I had originally started this process with the goal of weighing 140, but have since changed it to 160. I think 140 would be too small for my body frame. I've had several people tell me to stop now, but I'd still like to lose more from my waist down. It would be grand if we could pick where the weight comes off, unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. I'll never have small legs, mainly because I have the Burgamy legs, which are anything but small. But, I have certainly enjoyed them being a lot smaller than they were and that I am now able to comfortably cross my legs. That's a big deal to me and I take pride in being able to do this. May seem like a small victory to some, but I am thrilled. Since the cold weather has come, I have pretty much stopped walking. This is going to change, and hopefully will direct more weight loss to my lower extremities. Also, more than anything I ate during the holiday season, it was bread that I enjoyed the most. I had been eating no bread, so this was a big change. While, I've not gained any weight, my weight loss hasn't decreased much, either. So, the bread has to go and I've been a slacker in drinking my protein drink once a day. This, too, has to change. As far as resolutions go, I'm going to start walking again, cut out a big portion of the carbs I've been eating and start drinking that nasty protein drink. That sounds like a bad attitude, I know, but it's only the truth. But, I've done it before and I will do it again.
I'm not sure if I have mentioned the yeast that goes along with extreme skin folds. If I have, forgive me for repeating myself. I don't think I have because it is pretty gross, but I might have been brave enough to share this before. This is one of the bad things, among others, that comes with being morbidly obese, and that people don't talk about. For me, it appeared under my breast, under my stomach fat roll, and behind my knees. It is an awful smell that is sticky wet and if not kept dry and clean, the skin will breakdown and cause open sores and eventually infections. The smell alone is terrible and if you have ever noticed an odor from an extremely overweight person, it is more than likely the yeast you are smelling. Not only that, but it is difficult to have good hygiene when you are so fat. Not, to say that every overweight person is this way, but it was difficult for me to perform basic hygiene task. I didn't take a bath every day because it was such an effort to get undressed, get in the shower and wash my body all over. Then, you have to get out of the shower and dry off. What may seem simple, was a major chore. It exhausted me to stand up in the shower and bathe, and sitting in the tub was not an option, because my body would not fit in the tub. The task of drying my body off, treating the yeasty areas on my body and getting dress was more than I could handle on a daily basis. I kept my hair washed because it was obviously noticeable when your hair is not clean. The other, I thought I could hide by wearing lots of deodorant and powder and clean clothes. I am ashamed that I lived this way for so long. Fortunately, I don't live this way any more. I can bathe daily without it being a chore. In fact, it is a pleasure. Even though I still have hanging skin, the yeast is gone. Maybe it was the weight of the skin that made it so bad, that air could not get up under the weight of all than. I said in the beginning that I would be as honest as possible and tell this was a really big step for me.
My imagine of my own body is also changing. This has come slowly and in baby steps, but I am feeling better about myself. I am trying to improve my posture. Instead of my drooping shoulders and humped over back, I am trying to stand tall. Standing and walking this way was painful, but I was carrying a load along with me. It had become a habit of walking slumped over and I have people now asked me if my back hurts. No, it doesn't anymore, but the habit of walking that way is difficult to break. I'm not even aware that I am not walking and standing straight. Remind me, if you see me not standing straight. Also, I am getting more brave about walking across a room. Before, I would get somewhere and stay put, to not cause attention to myself. I was so embarrassed about my body size that I didn't want to be seen. I'm beginning to acknowledge that my body shape and size is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I am starting to have some confidence about what I have accomplished. I have said before, that I still see myself not being able to sit in a certain chair or being able to wear smaller clothes. This does not come automatically. I still consider first what I can and cannot do. Often times, my own perception of my body size and how I can move is wrong. I also would put off joining in events or just being with people because it was so hard for my body to move. I would get so tired trying to walk any distance. If walking up a hill was part of it, I would be so out of breath when, or if, I reached the top, it was just easier to not participate. I felt foolish, even if I was grateful, if someone would lag behind with me because I was so slow. Now, I can usually keep up with the group, unless they are running. Last of all for now, but not all of these changes, is that I used my weight to keep people at a distance. I'm talking men here. One of the reasons I am not in a romantic relationship at 58, is that I felt like no man would want me the way my body looked. Now, I know there are a lot of overweight woman who are married or have intimate relationships, but I have never felt good enough about who I am as a woman, much less what I looked like to be an active participant in the ways of companionship and love. My physical and emotional scars of childhood have played a part in this, but a lot of it was my own doing. Being in therapy longer than any person in the world has played a big part of changing me on the inside and out. I don't think I would have been brave enough to lose weight if it were not due to all the work I've done in private therapy. Thank you, Carole Light for your help in this journey. We've come a long way, baby. There are still many challenges to come in this area. I may never marry. I honestly would not be unhappy if I continued this single life. I get lonely sometimes, but everybody does, whether they are in a relationship or alone. I know that if I want to be in a relationship, I have to put myself out there. Prince Charming or just a male companion is not going to come knocking on my door. (If he did, my miniature dachshund, Phoebe, would try and run them off.) My attitude and confidence is changing, but these are giant steps. Don't expect to get an invitation to my wedding or even the news of a boyfriend any time soon. I did not lose this weight to attract a man. I did this for me, alone. One of the reasons I even bring this up now, is that society expects us to be linked up. We are mostly put into two groups - in a relationship or single. I'm not leaving out widowed or divorced, it is just different to never being married. "People" wonder why. Part of it is none of anybody's business, but I want to explain to some extent how this has related to my image of myself. There is so much more to talk about involving my emotions that are changing, but I am exhausted. Being honest wears a person out and I've only scratched the surface.
A new year and hopefully new adventures to come, if I want them. Certainly, I am healthier and happier with my new body. Old body, in a new size, is more the truth.
Until then,
Woof from Phoebe, meows x 2 from Hannah & Houdini, and xoxo from the same old, but different me.
I'm not sure if I have mentioned the yeast that goes along with extreme skin folds. If I have, forgive me for repeating myself. I don't think I have because it is pretty gross, but I might have been brave enough to share this before. This is one of the bad things, among others, that comes with being morbidly obese, and that people don't talk about. For me, it appeared under my breast, under my stomach fat roll, and behind my knees. It is an awful smell that is sticky wet and if not kept dry and clean, the skin will breakdown and cause open sores and eventually infections. The smell alone is terrible and if you have ever noticed an odor from an extremely overweight person, it is more than likely the yeast you are smelling. Not only that, but it is difficult to have good hygiene when you are so fat. Not, to say that every overweight person is this way, but it was difficult for me to perform basic hygiene task. I didn't take a bath every day because it was such an effort to get undressed, get in the shower and wash my body all over. Then, you have to get out of the shower and dry off. What may seem simple, was a major chore. It exhausted me to stand up in the shower and bathe, and sitting in the tub was not an option, because my body would not fit in the tub. The task of drying my body off, treating the yeasty areas on my body and getting dress was more than I could handle on a daily basis. I kept my hair washed because it was obviously noticeable when your hair is not clean. The other, I thought I could hide by wearing lots of deodorant and powder and clean clothes. I am ashamed that I lived this way for so long. Fortunately, I don't live this way any more. I can bathe daily without it being a chore. In fact, it is a pleasure. Even though I still have hanging skin, the yeast is gone. Maybe it was the weight of the skin that made it so bad, that air could not get up under the weight of all than. I said in the beginning that I would be as honest as possible and tell this was a really big step for me.
My imagine of my own body is also changing. This has come slowly and in baby steps, but I am feeling better about myself. I am trying to improve my posture. Instead of my drooping shoulders and humped over back, I am trying to stand tall. Standing and walking this way was painful, but I was carrying a load along with me. It had become a habit of walking slumped over and I have people now asked me if my back hurts. No, it doesn't anymore, but the habit of walking that way is difficult to break. I'm not even aware that I am not walking and standing straight. Remind me, if you see me not standing straight. Also, I am getting more brave about walking across a room. Before, I would get somewhere and stay put, to not cause attention to myself. I was so embarrassed about my body size that I didn't want to be seen. I'm beginning to acknowledge that my body shape and size is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I am starting to have some confidence about what I have accomplished. I have said before, that I still see myself not being able to sit in a certain chair or being able to wear smaller clothes. This does not come automatically. I still consider first what I can and cannot do. Often times, my own perception of my body size and how I can move is wrong. I also would put off joining in events or just being with people because it was so hard for my body to move. I would get so tired trying to walk any distance. If walking up a hill was part of it, I would be so out of breath when, or if, I reached the top, it was just easier to not participate. I felt foolish, even if I was grateful, if someone would lag behind with me because I was so slow. Now, I can usually keep up with the group, unless they are running. Last of all for now, but not all of these changes, is that I used my weight to keep people at a distance. I'm talking men here. One of the reasons I am not in a romantic relationship at 58, is that I felt like no man would want me the way my body looked. Now, I know there are a lot of overweight woman who are married or have intimate relationships, but I have never felt good enough about who I am as a woman, much less what I looked like to be an active participant in the ways of companionship and love. My physical and emotional scars of childhood have played a part in this, but a lot of it was my own doing. Being in therapy longer than any person in the world has played a big part of changing me on the inside and out. I don't think I would have been brave enough to lose weight if it were not due to all the work I've done in private therapy. Thank you, Carole Light for your help in this journey. We've come a long way, baby. There are still many challenges to come in this area. I may never marry. I honestly would not be unhappy if I continued this single life. I get lonely sometimes, but everybody does, whether they are in a relationship or alone. I know that if I want to be in a relationship, I have to put myself out there. Prince Charming or just a male companion is not going to come knocking on my door. (If he did, my miniature dachshund, Phoebe, would try and run them off.) My attitude and confidence is changing, but these are giant steps. Don't expect to get an invitation to my wedding or even the news of a boyfriend any time soon. I did not lose this weight to attract a man. I did this for me, alone. One of the reasons I even bring this up now, is that society expects us to be linked up. We are mostly put into two groups - in a relationship or single. I'm not leaving out widowed or divorced, it is just different to never being married. "People" wonder why. Part of it is none of anybody's business, but I want to explain to some extent how this has related to my image of myself. There is so much more to talk about involving my emotions that are changing, but I am exhausted. Being honest wears a person out and I've only scratched the surface.
A new year and hopefully new adventures to come, if I want them. Certainly, I am healthier and happier with my new body. Old body, in a new size, is more the truth.
Until then,
Woof from Phoebe, meows x 2 from Hannah & Houdini, and xoxo from the same old, but different me.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Can you believe it? It's been a year since I began this journey.
I can't believe it either. October 16 was my one year surgerversary. Plus, I'm way past due an update. My facebook peeps already know most of the happenings of these fast few months, but if you don't follow my facebook page, this will be news to you.
In my last post, which was in August, I wanted to lose another 7 pounds before my anniversary. I had lost 133 pound. That would make a total of 140 pounds. Well, I did much better than that. I lost 19 more pounds for an amazing total of 152 pounds. It seems unreal to me, but it is true. The scales back me up and my clothes show it. Just as a comparison, I was wearing a size 34 woman's pants or in scrub pant sizes a 5X. I now wear an 16/18 or a size L (large) pants, and that's not woman's plus sizes. In tops, I was wearing a 5X but now wear a L (large). My bra and panties sizes have changed as well, but I won't bore you with those details. I can actually go in a store and shop in the regular person's department. By that, I mean, I don't have to go to the plus size department. I usually head that way, but have to stop myself and remember that I can't wear those clothes anymore. They are too big.
I have been enjoying wearing smaller sizes clothes that belonged to my sister and my mother. My sister had bypass surgery like I did, but, unfortunately, she has gained her weight back. My mother passed away 4 years ago and she loved clothes. My sister had saved some of her, "not so matronly" looking clothes. So, I have had a wide assortment of "new" clothes to wear at my new sizes. I have also bought a few things at a local thrift store. I haven't wanted to spend much money on clothes because I was changing sizes so quickly. I've been right stylish, if I do say so myself.
It's so strange to look at myself in the mirror and see myself at one size and then hold up the sizes I actually fit into and see the difference. It's hard to change that mind set of being a certain size. I even think that I cannot fit into a chair or a passageway which I actually can. My perception of myself is so inaccurate. I guess my mind will catch up with my body. It has happened so quickly.
I saw my surgeon on Oct 28 for my one year checkup and he was pleased, but more importantly, I was pleased for myself. For the first time in my life, I didn't dread getting on the scales at the doctor's office. He didn't say, but I asked how much more he thought I still needed to lose. He said 20-25 pounds. I would like to lose another 28, which would put me at 160 pounds. I see the surgeon again in another 6 months, so I think that is a doable goal. I have had people say to me that I could stop right now and look fine, and that feels good, but I am not satisfied where I am. I want to lose more to be at a healthier weight.
My support person, and dear friend, Edel, who has been with me from the beginning of this journey (from informational seminar to surgery and present) went with me to a celebration put on by the surgeon's office for patient's who are one year or more out from surgery. It was last Sunday, Nov 3, so I just made it into the one year category. I got several surprise reactions from the office staff who had not seen me in 6 months. Talk about an ego boost. We heard inspirational stories, danced, and had pictures taken. It really was a fun time.
This has gotten sort of long, so I will end for now. I do want to talk about emotional changes I have had in the past several months, but I'll be back soon to discuss those. Promise. That is always more difficult to talk about, rather than just reporting as I have today.
Until then,
Woof from Phoebe, meow x 2 from Hannah & Houdini, and xoxo from me, the changing woman.
In my last post, which was in August, I wanted to lose another 7 pounds before my anniversary. I had lost 133 pound. That would make a total of 140 pounds. Well, I did much better than that. I lost 19 more pounds for an amazing total of 152 pounds. It seems unreal to me, but it is true. The scales back me up and my clothes show it. Just as a comparison, I was wearing a size 34 woman's pants or in scrub pant sizes a 5X. I now wear an 16/18 or a size L (large) pants, and that's not woman's plus sizes. In tops, I was wearing a 5X but now wear a L (large). My bra and panties sizes have changed as well, but I won't bore you with those details. I can actually go in a store and shop in the regular person's department. By that, I mean, I don't have to go to the plus size department. I usually head that way, but have to stop myself and remember that I can't wear those clothes anymore. They are too big.
I have been enjoying wearing smaller sizes clothes that belonged to my sister and my mother. My sister had bypass surgery like I did, but, unfortunately, she has gained her weight back. My mother passed away 4 years ago and she loved clothes. My sister had saved some of her, "not so matronly" looking clothes. So, I have had a wide assortment of "new" clothes to wear at my new sizes. I have also bought a few things at a local thrift store. I haven't wanted to spend much money on clothes because I was changing sizes so quickly. I've been right stylish, if I do say so myself.
It's so strange to look at myself in the mirror and see myself at one size and then hold up the sizes I actually fit into and see the difference. It's hard to change that mind set of being a certain size. I even think that I cannot fit into a chair or a passageway which I actually can. My perception of myself is so inaccurate. I guess my mind will catch up with my body. It has happened so quickly.
I saw my surgeon on Oct 28 for my one year checkup and he was pleased, but more importantly, I was pleased for myself. For the first time in my life, I didn't dread getting on the scales at the doctor's office. He didn't say, but I asked how much more he thought I still needed to lose. He said 20-25 pounds. I would like to lose another 28, which would put me at 160 pounds. I see the surgeon again in another 6 months, so I think that is a doable goal. I have had people say to me that I could stop right now and look fine, and that feels good, but I am not satisfied where I am. I want to lose more to be at a healthier weight.
My support person, and dear friend, Edel, who has been with me from the beginning of this journey (from informational seminar to surgery and present) went with me to a celebration put on by the surgeon's office for patient's who are one year or more out from surgery. It was last Sunday, Nov 3, so I just made it into the one year category. I got several surprise reactions from the office staff who had not seen me in 6 months. Talk about an ego boost. We heard inspirational stories, danced, and had pictures taken. It really was a fun time.
This has gotten sort of long, so I will end for now. I do want to talk about emotional changes I have had in the past several months, but I'll be back soon to discuss those. Promise. That is always more difficult to talk about, rather than just reporting as I have today.
Until then,
Woof from Phoebe, meow x 2 from Hannah & Houdini, and xoxo from me, the changing woman.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Still losing pounds and inches. Yahoo!
It's been a little over a month since my last post, and it's time for an update. Since then I have lost another 13 pounds. That makes a total of 133 pounds in 10 months My losses have slowed down some, but I can't complain about that. My one year anniversary will be October 16 and I would like to lose at least another 7 pounds by the to make a total of 140 pounds lost. I will see my surgeon the end of October, so that is my next goal. I have been sort of a slacker with getting in all my protein and water everyday, but I'm still eating very well. My diet still consist mostly of protein, but I do try and get some vegetables and fruit, too. I need to start drinking my protein shake at least once daily again. I need to get in 64 ounces of water a day, as well. I fill full so quickly, it is hard to eat and drink when I'm not feeling hungry. I'm pretty sure I am not eating enough everyday, which can slow down weight loss. I'm also not real crazy about my protein drinks so it has been easy to just skip it. I'm pretty sure I've whined about the protein drinks before. That has not changed. They are not complete disgusting, so I need to suck it up and start drinking it again. It's about the only way to get my required protein in. I keep water with me all the time. I flavor it with a sugar free grape powder most all the time. You would think I would get tired of grape, but I don't. Water is all I drink. No more sodas, carbonated drinks of any kind and no caffeine. I don't drink coffee or tea anymore. I have just gotten out of the habit of drinking coffee in the morning. Besides, adding milk or some dairy product to it makes my stomach hurt. I used to love coffee, but not at the price of feeling yucky. I cannot drink with meals and I'm supposed to not drink for 30 minutes before and after a meal. I am good about doing that. If you drink, you are too full to eat. About 3 swallows of water start to fill me up. I know that constantly sipping is the best way to get that water in, but it's hard to do. I am going to be better about having more protein, via protein shakes, and getting in that water. I am.
I'm still walking about 4 times a week, sometimes more than that. My friend, Rosemary, is good about being my walking buddy and encouraging me to get out there. We have walking paths around town that are great to walk on. They are beautiful paths and always follow the Little Tennessee River. We see a lot of birds and other critters. We also see beautiful flowers and weeds that flower that are just as pretty. My limit is 2 miles, but could probably push myself to walk more at a time. My knees are starting to hurt more, so it's time for cortisone shots again. I see my orthopedist in the morning. As long as the shots help, I am going to put off surgery as long as possible. I have lost the weight my doctor wanted me to lose before he did the knee replacements, but I would like to get more off before surgery. We'll see how that goes and how bad the pain gets without any relief.
Even though I am losing slower, I am still losing inches. I honestly cannot believe the sizes that fit me now. I still want to shop in woman's sizes, just out of habit, but they are too big for me now. My next door neighbor has given me some clothes of her's that do not fit and my sister has given me a lot of her smaller size clothes and some of my mother's clothes that I can now wear. I think I've got my wardrobe for fall and winter covered.
I've had a busy day, so I'm going to stop for now. I need to post again soon about my anxiety of not losing any more or worse yet, gaining it back. I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to let that happen, but it still scares me that it could happen. Losing weight and keeping it off is going to be a ongoing battle for me. I know this and have to stay strong. I have to remind myself daily that this is a lifestyle change and not just a diet to lose weight.
Thanks again to all of you who get me support and encourgement in my journey. If you want to see my most current pictures, check out my facebook page. I've got to figure out how to post pictures on this blog.
Until then,
Woof and woof again from Phoebe, meows from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo from me, the shrinking woman.
I'm still walking about 4 times a week, sometimes more than that. My friend, Rosemary, is good about being my walking buddy and encouraging me to get out there. We have walking paths around town that are great to walk on. They are beautiful paths and always follow the Little Tennessee River. We see a lot of birds and other critters. We also see beautiful flowers and weeds that flower that are just as pretty. My limit is 2 miles, but could probably push myself to walk more at a time. My knees are starting to hurt more, so it's time for cortisone shots again. I see my orthopedist in the morning. As long as the shots help, I am going to put off surgery as long as possible. I have lost the weight my doctor wanted me to lose before he did the knee replacements, but I would like to get more off before surgery. We'll see how that goes and how bad the pain gets without any relief.
Even though I am losing slower, I am still losing inches. I honestly cannot believe the sizes that fit me now. I still want to shop in woman's sizes, just out of habit, but they are too big for me now. My next door neighbor has given me some clothes of her's that do not fit and my sister has given me a lot of her smaller size clothes and some of my mother's clothes that I can now wear. I think I've got my wardrobe for fall and winter covered.
I've had a busy day, so I'm going to stop for now. I need to post again soon about my anxiety of not losing any more or worse yet, gaining it back. I'm pretty confident that I'm not going to let that happen, but it still scares me that it could happen. Losing weight and keeping it off is going to be a ongoing battle for me. I know this and have to stay strong. I have to remind myself daily that this is a lifestyle change and not just a diet to lose weight.
Thanks again to all of you who get me support and encourgement in my journey. If you want to see my most current pictures, check out my facebook page. I've got to figure out how to post pictures on this blog.
Until then,
Woof and woof again from Phoebe, meows from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo from me, the shrinking woman.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Some things change.....some don't.
It's been way too long since my last post, which was in May. Now we're in July and time for an update. Life has been busy, or it seems that way anyway. I feel like I am taking my new eating habits a little more in stride, but my eyes are still always too big for my stomach. I put way too much food on my plate before I eat. I am a little better at it at home, but when I'm out with people at a party or gathering, I still overfill my plate. The good news is, I don't eat it all and try to stop before I feel too full. I think my choices are good, but there are some things I just want to taste. Usually, a taste, or even a smell, is all I need to satisfy me. At a gathering to celebrate the 4th of July, I did have ice cream that I knew would not set well with me. Everybody was eating it and I wanted to taste. I had a little more than a taste and sure enough, I didn't feel afterwards. I didn't go overboard, but I knew better. I do occasionally eat things that are not staying true to my program. Planning everything that goes in my mouth is hard and eating out or even alone, sometimes I just want something in particular. I try not to restrict myself completely so I don't feel so deprived, but I know that some choices are better than others. I try not to refer to certain foods as "bad", but I know that there will be consequences to eating those foods. I want to continue to lose weight and I know that by eating foods high in protein and low in fat, sugar and carbs will help me to meet that goal. That's not a hard concept. I know what I need to do to get the results I want. Of course, there are going to be times when my weight will plateau. I hate it, but that's the way it is, and it's actually probably a good thing. Your body needs a chance to catch up with the pounds that are coming off. I have had some plateaus, but actually my excess weight is coming off fast. It is hard to be eating well and the number on the scale does not move. I have to remind myself fairly often that I did not put the excess weight on quickly and I need to be patient with it coming off.
Since my last post, I have lost another 20 pounds. That is a total of 120 pounds lost in almost 9 months. That ain't too shabby. I am moving so much better. My stamina is so much better. I can actually walk 2 miles without panting and wanting to sit down every few feet. My blood pressure is better and I am taking less medication. My clothes sizes continue to get smaller. It's all good. Well, it's all good except for sagging excess skin. But, you know what? I'm just trying not to be so concerned about that right now. I still have more to lose and I am going to probably get more of that excess skin. There is nothing I can do about it now. I'll decide what course I want to take when I get to my goal weight, or at least a size I am happy with, regardless of what the scales say. I could exercise more and perhaps do some weight training, but I don't think that will help. My age has a lot to do with my skin not being so forgiving. I don't have to decide that today.
That's it for now. I'm feeling good and I'm going to continue to work toward that goal of being a healthier person and being happy in my own skin.
Woof, from Phoebe, Meows form Hannah and Houdini and xoxo from me.
Since my last post, I have lost another 20 pounds. That is a total of 120 pounds lost in almost 9 months. That ain't too shabby. I am moving so much better. My stamina is so much better. I can actually walk 2 miles without panting and wanting to sit down every few feet. My blood pressure is better and I am taking less medication. My clothes sizes continue to get smaller. It's all good. Well, it's all good except for sagging excess skin. But, you know what? I'm just trying not to be so concerned about that right now. I still have more to lose and I am going to probably get more of that excess skin. There is nothing I can do about it now. I'll decide what course I want to take when I get to my goal weight, or at least a size I am happy with, regardless of what the scales say. I could exercise more and perhaps do some weight training, but I don't think that will help. My age has a lot to do with my skin not being so forgiving. I don't have to decide that today.
That's it for now. I'm feeling good and I'm going to continue to work toward that goal of being a healthier person and being happy in my own skin.
Woof, from Phoebe, Meows form Hannah and Houdini and xoxo from me.
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