Happy New Year, 2014

Once, again, I have to say that it's been too long since my last post.  That was back in early November, and while not has happened weight wise, it has been a busy holiday season.  I've lost another 8 pounds since then, which makes a total of 160 pounds gone.  While I could be happy where I am,  I would like to lose another 20 pounds.  I had originally started this process with the goal of weighing 140, but have since changed it to 160. I think 140 would be too small for my body frame.  I've had several people tell me to stop now, but I'd still like to lose more from my waist down.  It would be grand if we could pick where the weight comes off, unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way.  I'll never have small legs, mainly because I have the Burgamy legs, which are anything but small.  But, I have certainly enjoyed them being a lot smaller than they were and that I am now able to comfortably cross my legs. That's a big deal to me and I take pride in being able to do this.  May seem like a small victory to some, but I am thrilled.  Since the cold weather has come, I have pretty much stopped walking.  This is going to change, and hopefully will direct more weight loss to my lower extremities.  Also, more than anything I ate during the holiday season, it was bread that I enjoyed the most.  I had been eating no bread, so this was a big change.  While, I've not gained any weight, my weight loss hasn't decreased much, either.  So, the bread has to go and I've been a slacker in drinking my protein drink once a day.  This, too, has to change.  As far as resolutions go, I'm going to start walking again, cut out a big portion of the carbs I've been eating and start drinking that nasty protein drink.  That sounds like a bad attitude, I know, but it's only the truth.  But, I've done it before and I will do it again.

I'm not sure if I have mentioned the yeast that goes along with extreme skin folds.  If I have, forgive me for repeating myself.  I don't think I have because it is pretty gross, but I might have been brave enough to share this before.  This is one of the bad things, among others, that comes with being morbidly obese, and that people don't talk about.  For me, it appeared under my breast, under my stomach fat roll, and behind my knees. It is an awful smell that is sticky wet and if not kept dry and clean, the skin will breakdown and cause open sores and eventually infections.  The smell alone is terrible and if you have ever noticed an odor from an extremely overweight person, it is more than likely the yeast you are smelling.  Not only that, but it is difficult to have good hygiene when you are so fat.  Not, to say that every overweight person is this way, but it was difficult for me to perform basic hygiene task.  I didn't take a bath every day because it was such an effort to get undressed, get in the shower and wash my body all over.  Then, you have to get out of the shower and dry off.  What may seem simple, was a major chore.  It exhausted me to stand up in the shower and bathe, and sitting in the tub was not an option, because my body would not fit in the tub.  The task of drying my body off, treating the yeasty areas on my body and getting dress was more than I could handle on a daily basis.  I kept my hair washed because it was obviously noticeable when your hair is not clean.  The other, I thought I could hide by wearing lots of deodorant and powder and clean clothes.  I am ashamed that I lived this way for so long.  Fortunately, I don't live this way any more.  I can bathe daily without it being a chore.  In  fact, it is a pleasure.  Even though I still have hanging skin, the yeast is gone.  Maybe it was the weight of the skin that made it so bad, that air could not get up under the weight of all than.  I said in the beginning that I would be as honest as possible and tell this was a really big step for me.

My imagine of my own body is also changing.  This has come slowly and in baby steps, but I am feeling better about myself.  I am trying to improve my posture.  Instead of my drooping shoulders and humped over back, I am trying to stand tall.  Standing and walking this way was painful, but I was carrying a load along with me.  It had become a habit of walking slumped over and I have people now asked me if my back hurts.  No, it doesn't anymore, but the habit of walking that way is difficult to break.  I'm not even aware that I am not walking and standing straight.  Remind me, if you see me not standing straight.  Also, I am getting more brave about walking across a room.  Before, I would get somewhere and stay put, to not cause attention to myself.  I was so embarrassed about my body size that I didn't want to be seen.  I'm beginning to acknowledge that my body shape and size is nothing to be ashamed of.  In fact, I am starting to have some confidence about what I have accomplished.  I have said before, that I still see myself not being able to sit in a certain chair or being able to wear smaller clothes.  This does not come automatically.  I still consider first what I can and cannot do.  Often times, my own perception of my body size and how I can move is wrong.  I also would put off joining in events or just being with people because it was so hard for my body to move.  I would get so tired trying to walk any distance.  If walking up a hill was part of it, I would be so out of breath when, or if, I reached the top, it was just easier to not participate.  I felt foolish, even if I was grateful, if someone would lag behind with me because I was so slow. Now, I can usually keep up with the group, unless they are running.   Last of all for now, but not all of these changes, is that I used my weight to keep people at a distance.  I'm talking men here. One of the reasons I am not in a romantic relationship at 58, is that I felt like no man would want me the way my body looked.  Now, I know there are a lot of overweight woman who are married or have intimate relationships, but I have never felt good enough about who I am as a woman, much less what I looked like to be an active participant in the ways of companionship and love.  My physical and emotional scars of childhood have played a part in this, but a lot of it was my own doing.  Being in therapy longer than any person in the world has played a big part of changing me on the inside and out.  I don't think I would have been brave enough to lose weight if it were not due to all the work I've done in private therapy.  Thank you, Carole Light for your help in this journey.  We've come a long way, baby. There are still many challenges to come in this area.  I may never marry.  I honestly would not be unhappy if I continued this single life.  I get lonely sometimes, but everybody does, whether they are in a relationship or alone.  I know that if I want to be in a relationship, I have to put myself out there.  Prince Charming or just a male companion is not going to come knocking on my door.  (If he did, my miniature dachshund, Phoebe, would try and run them off.)  My attitude and confidence is changing, but these are giant steps.  Don't expect to get an invitation to my wedding or even the news of a boyfriend any time soon.  I did not lose this weight to attract a man.  I did this for me, alone. One of the reasons I even bring this up now, is that society expects us to be linked up.  We are mostly put into two groups - in a relationship or single.  I'm not leaving out widowed or divorced, it is just different to never being married. "People" wonder why.  Part of it is none of anybody's business, but I want to explain to some extent how this has related to my image of myself. There is so much more to talk about involving my emotions that are changing, but I am exhausted.  Being honest wears a person out and I've only scratched the surface.

A new year and hopefully new adventures to come, if I want them.  Certainly, I am healthier and happier with my new body.  Old body, in a new size, is more the truth.

Until then,

Woof from Phoebe, meows x 2 from Hannah & Houdini, and xoxo from the same old, but different me.