Standing still

I posted on March 14 that I had lost 91 pounds.  Today, April 24, I have lost 98 pounds.  That's only 7 pounds in over a month.  I was so excited about getting to that 100 mark and here I am pretty much standing still in the 90's.  I know that is still good.  I have lost a lot of weight in a short period of time.  My body has changed significantly.  I know that your weight will plateau at times during weight loss.  I have heard fellow weight loss friends speak of this.  It's almost like your body needs to take an occasional break.  I know this, but I'm not happy about it.  It is frustrating when the scales don't move.  I think I told you about a woman in my support group who does not weight herself.  She said she didn't want to be controlled by a number.  Her reason for having the surgery was to get healthy and the number does not matter.  I wish I could be more like her, but I get encouraged by seeing that number drop every week.  I'm sure I put too much emphasis on that number.  If I didn't weight weekly, I would not be so conscience of a plateau.  Maybe I should only weigh every 2 weeks or even once a month.  I would have to remove the scales from my house because I would be tempted to jump on them if they were there.  I will consider doing this.

I have some idea of why I am not losing as fast.  It could just be a plateau like I said, but it could be more than that.  I think I have said that I am not really physically hungry.  That is still the case.  According to my surgeon, I am supposed to eat 3 meals a day, and one of those meals should be a protein drink.  There is supposed to be no snacking in between meals.  I am supposed to eat 70-80 grams of protein a day.  This is just about impossible when you only have 3 meals a day and not eating in between meals.  If I drink or eat only protein supplements, I would get around 60-70 grams.  I am also supposed to get at least 64 ounces of fluids in.  Some days are better than others with the fluids.  Drinking fluids fills be up and I am not hungry.  This is why you do not drink 30 minutes before or after a meal.  Still, my stomach feels full when I drink and I don't want to eat a meal.  I've become lazy about eating to nourish my body and instead listening to my body tell me I don't need to eat.  Also, instead of preparing a meal, I will snack on almonds or something simple and handy.  This does not count as a meal.  In the beginning, and until most recently, I ate those 3 meals whether I was hungry or not.  I was persistant about getting in as much protein as I could.  Now that I have no restrictions on what I eat (like not eating raw vegetables or beef for 6 months), I will have a salad or a vegetable for a meal.  The number one rule is to eat your protein part of the meal first.  If there is room in your stomach to eat more, you can have a vegetable or low carb.  I've not been doing that.  That salad or vegetable is so good that I will eat it first and then have no room for the protein.  This is not good.  I am certainly not overeating. I am more likely not eating enough of the right thing.  I need to get back on track and be disciplined to eating what my body needs.  Protein.  I sometimes even skip a meal because I am not hungry.  I know that not eating will slow down weight loss.  Shape up, Bonnie!  You know what to do and how to eat - so, do it.  I need to remember that I need to nourish my body and not starve it

I will start again eating those 3 meals of high protein foods. I will not snack for a meal, but prepare what I need to be eating.  I will be diligent about getting in all of my water/fluids and work to get as much protein as I can in a day.  I will do the work and not listen to my brain telling me not to eat or worse yet, to snack instead of a meal.  I've done so well.  I will continue to follow the plan and lose the rest of the weight to make me a healthier person.  Last of all, I will not be driven by what the scale says.  If I am eating like I should, the weight will come off.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I also will not beat up on myself because my weight loss has slowed down. Not eating is not the answer.

Thanks for listening.  As I've said before, this journey is not easy.

This one is just from me.   (The furry part of my family can't help me with this, except to just love me - and they do.)

When will I learn?!!

I cooked some country style ribs this afternoon and was looking forward to having some for supper.  I pulled the meat off the bones and separated out a small amount for me and put a little barbeque sauce on the side.  I am sitting here now so miserable.  I ate small bites like I supposed to, but as I often do, I ate too fast.  I was thinking how to describe to you how awful it feels when you eat too fast or too much.  It's worse than feeling full after a big meal.  It is nauseating and painful. Literally painful. I should know not to do this, but somehow you forget how terrible the feeling is, even after one bite too many.  I immediately feel regret that I took that extra bite.  I want this feeling to go away quickly, but it doesn't.  It takes a while.  Sometimes, it is so miserable that I need to go and lay down until the feeling subsides.  In this case, I don't think I ate too much.  It was less than a couple of ounces, but I know that I was watching tv and eating, and not paying attention to how fast I was taking each bite.  One of the things you learn before surgery is to not do anything but pay attention to your eating during a meal.  Do not do other things because then you start mindless eating and the result is eating too fast, taking too big of bites, not chewing enough, overeating and not savoring each bite.  I know this.  I do, So, why do I keep doing it?  It's not like I'm starving to death, because I'm not.  In fact, I rarely feel physical hunger.  Now, hunger in my mind is another story.  Sometimes, I just want to eat - for no reason.  I think it is partly boredom.  It happens mostly when I am watching tv.  I try to keep my hands occupied and always have water at my side to drink.  My mind can talk me into doing or feeling anything.  I have to mentally tell myself that I am not hungry and that this is just a felling and not actual hunger.  It works most of the time, but I have to admit that I have snacked on almonds or saltines just because my mind says I need to eat. This journey is not easy.  My own mind can sabotage my best efforts.  I'm finally feeling back to normal after about an hour.  When will I learn?

I'm down 97 pounds and I'm thrilled about that number.  I'm so close to 100, but I can't stop there even if it does sound good.  The last couple of weeks my weight has stayed around that 97 mark.  It's not that I'm overeating.  I think I've been on a plateau and my body just has to catch up.  Tomorrow is Wednesday, my official, unofficial day to weigh.  Hopefully, the scale will move in the right direction - and soon.

I posted a current picture of myself on Facebook the other day.  I know that I have lost weight.  I can tell in my clothes, but what I see when I look in the mirror is not what other people see when they look at me.  I am happy when people tell me how different I look, but I don't see it.  At least, not as much as they do. My mind still sees that extremely overweight woman.  If I stop and study myself, I can notice that I have ankle bones and wrist bones and collar bones. I can see my knee caps.  I'm beginning to have a jaw line. My face is slimmer.  My back and midriff are smoother.   On the other hand, I have a lot of loose skin under my arms and on my legs.  It's not a pretty sight.  I can cover it up for now with 3/4 length sleeves and long pants, but it's going to get hot with summer coming.  Certainly, surgery can take care of extra skin, but I'm nowhere near ready for that.  I still have too much more to lose.  Something to consider on down the road.

Again, let me voice my appreciation to everyone for their continued support.  I am overwhelmed with all the comments I receive.  I am at the same time surprised that some people I know never comment.  My therapist says that it is their stuff and not mine.  They might be dealing with issues I know nothing about or that they don't know how to express their feelings.  I am very verbal and express my feelings and opinions easily.  Maybe, too much and too easily at times.  I know that I am not the center of the universe and my experiences are not as important to some as they are to me.  I try not to take their silence personally.  Instead, I focus on all the compliments and encouraging words I do receive.  I am fortunate to have so many people pulling for me to succeed.  That's a wonderful feeling.

That's it for now. I covered way more than I planned.  I will end my saying that I purchased new underwear today.  Every time I pulled down my pants, my underwear came too.  It was time.

Until next time,

woof from Phoebe, meows from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo from me.