I cooked some country style ribs this afternoon and was looking forward to having some for supper. I pulled the meat off the bones and separated out a small amount for me and put a little barbeque sauce on the side. I am sitting here now so miserable. I ate small bites like I supposed to, but as I often do, I ate too fast. I was thinking how to describe to you how awful it feels when you eat too fast or too much. It's worse than feeling full after a big meal. It is nauseating and painful. Literally painful. I should know not to do this, but somehow you forget how terrible the feeling is, even after one bite too many. I immediately feel regret that I took that extra bite. I want this feeling to go away quickly, but it doesn't. It takes a while. Sometimes, it is so miserable that I need to go and lay down until the feeling subsides. In this case, I don't think I ate too much. It was less than a couple of ounces, but I know that I was watching tv and eating, and not paying attention to how fast I was taking each bite. One of the things you learn before surgery is to not do anything but pay attention to your eating during a meal. Do not do other things because then you start mindless eating and the result is eating too fast, taking too big of bites, not chewing enough, overeating and not savoring each bite. I know this. I do, So, why do I keep doing it? It's not like I'm starving to death, because I'm not. In fact, I rarely feel physical hunger. Now, hunger in my mind is another story. Sometimes, I just want to eat - for no reason. I think it is partly boredom. It happens mostly when I am watching tv. I try to keep my hands occupied and always have water at my side to drink. My mind can talk me into doing or feeling anything. I have to mentally tell myself that I am not hungry and that this is just a felling and not actual hunger. It works most of the time, but I have to admit that I have snacked on almonds or saltines just because my mind says I need to eat. This journey is not easy. My own mind can sabotage my best efforts. I'm finally feeling back to normal after about an hour. When will I learn?
I'm down 97 pounds and I'm thrilled about that number. I'm so close to 100, but I can't stop there even if it does sound good. The last couple of weeks my weight has stayed around that 97 mark. It's not that I'm overeating. I think I've been on a plateau and my body just has to catch up. Tomorrow is Wednesday, my official, unofficial day to weigh. Hopefully, the scale will move in the right direction - and soon.
I posted a current picture of myself on Facebook the other day. I know that I have lost weight. I can tell in my clothes, but what I see when I look in the mirror is not what other people see when they look at me. I am happy when people tell me how different I look, but I don't see it. At least, not as much as they do. My mind still sees that extremely overweight woman. If I stop and study myself, I can notice that I have ankle bones and wrist bones and collar bones. I can see my knee caps. I'm beginning to have a jaw line. My face is slimmer. My back and midriff are smoother. On the other hand, I have a lot of loose skin under my arms and on my legs. It's not a pretty sight. I can cover it up for now with 3/4 length sleeves and long pants, but it's going to get hot with summer coming. Certainly, surgery can take care of extra skin, but I'm nowhere near ready for that. I still have too much more to lose. Something to consider on down the road.
Again, let me voice my appreciation to everyone for their continued support. I am overwhelmed with all the comments I receive. I am at the same time surprised that some people I know never comment. My therapist says that it is their stuff and not mine. They might be dealing with issues I know nothing about or that they don't know how to express their feelings. I am very verbal and express my feelings and opinions easily. Maybe, too much and too easily at times. I know that I am not the center of the universe and my experiences are not as important to some as they are to me. I try not to take their silence personally. Instead, I focus on all the compliments and encouraging words I do receive. I am fortunate to have so many people pulling for me to succeed. That's a wonderful feeling.
That's it for now. I covered way more than I planned. I will end my saying that I purchased new underwear today. Every time I pulled down my pants, my underwear came too. It was time.
Until next time,
woof from Phoebe, meows from Hannah & Houdini and xoxo from me.
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